the down side
The down side, there’s always a down side isn’t there? How would you label me? Upbeat? Full of life? Crazy at times? Would you believe depressed sometimes?
I spent a day writing the history of my depression to eventually share but still haven’t gotten around to it. I’m not sure that I ever will. But can you believe that while I had bouts of depression most of my life I have typically been described by others as “bubbly”? We don’t know what hides in people’s hearts if they want to hide it and I hide it I did.
While my principal in high school described me as bubbly and outgoing to my parents, I tried to kill myself at 17. Obviously, my suicide attempt failed as I’m 41 now and I don’t talk about it much but it did happen.
The depression, itself, is a whole other story and not really what I’m trying to get out here. But the short version is that I believe it was all hormonal. And I don’t think we give our hormones enough credit for the way they make us feel. See I was diagnosed in 1994, I think, with bipolar disorder. You might know it better as Manic Depression. And I took lithium for it for almost 5 years. But in 1998, I had to have a hysterectomy and had my ovaries taken out as well. After which I was put on a set amount of hormone pills, Premarin. I saw my diagnosing psychiatrist a year later, after I had been off the lithium for several months and she no longer felt that diagnosis fit. All those years of anguish were due a large part to my hormones.
I don’t suffer those depressions anymore and never have I wanted to live more than after I was diagnosed with Stage IIIC Colorectal Cancer. The funks I get in now are due to the cancer diagnosis and my frustration with feeling so powerless. The eternal questions of what is best for my entire family not just what is best for my selfish self.
Is it worth one more year of living, if my family has to take total care of me and I am not able to take care of my own basic needs? Thankfully, that’s not a question I have to answer now but believe me I think of those things, trying to prepare myself for the day I might have to make that decision.
Before the surgery to remove my cancer I was given papers for a living will. I filled it out and really don’t know if my husband, or parents, are aware of my decisions. That’s been almost three years ago, do I feel the same today? I suppose I will need to make up a new one soon.
I know I have not totally “dealt with” my cancer diagnosis. I wonder if I should talk more about it to someone but the thing is, I went to a cancer counselor after my diagnosis and didn’t feel that I talk any better to her than I could my own family. She had that same pity in her eyes that the doctors did. I can’t take that pity. It hurts me further. I want my doctors to get mad with me and help me beat it, not feel sorry for me.
Occasionally, I have to write all my feelings out on the subject. This is my therapy. My way of “dealing with” it. I don’t talk about it everyday, and I don’t let it weigh me down until I can’t function. I do allow myself an occasional day, when I’m at my lowest, to just enjoy life, actual life, not dishes or laundry, but breathing and being. And while I walk around, taking photos and enjoying living it’s a rare day that the cancer is not in my mind somewhere.
Right now, I’m in a minor funk. I told you guys how unhappy I was with my oncologist and how frustrated I felt with my medical care and finally I made an appointment with a new oncologist. Do you know how scary that is? Just think about your regular doctor dealing with your anemia or high blood pressure, etc. You still don’t want to have to change doctors do you? Imagine what it likes to think of changing doctors when you have some life threatening. What if this new doctor is no better than the one you’re leaving behind? What if they’re worse? What if something essential doesn’t make it over from the old doctor’s files?
So, yeah, I got up the guts to change oncologists. After another week or so I got up the guts to make the phone call to a new one and set up an appointment. I set it up for the Thursday after we got back from vacation, almost three weeks after the phone call. Why so long? Partly because I’m extremely scared of the unknown of a new doctor in a new medical facility. Partly because I have to take all my old records with me and I was scared of making that phone call to get my records.
I had to call reschedule that appointment because I kept delaying getting my records. It’s now scheduled for June 26th. I just finally called today to get my records. They were nice and it was much easier than I thought it would be. In fact I get to pick them up on Thursday. But now we have another issue.
I got to thinking, the lady on the phone at the new place said the new onc needs all records, scans, everything, from diagnosis until now. Well, I had all of the first year or so done at Mayo, the place I just called only has me from my 5th chemotherapy forward. So I have to get more records. You can bet once I get them all I will be keeping copies for myself as with Dennis’s job we never know if we’ll be moving again in a year or two. So I just better make sure I keep all records current in my possession.
The nice thing is, that I probably have all the paper records from Mayo already, just not the scans. Because they always sent me copies of bloodwork, tests, etc along with a letter detailing my visit within a week of my visit. That part’s great, but the onc I’ve been seeing the last year or so has given me nothing. Apparently I have 53 pages to pick up on Thursday at 31cents a piece.
This brings me to where I am right now and why I’m writing more than I normally do. It hurts. To see the words on paper “Chief complaint/reason for treatment: Stage IIIC Colon Cancer” and “. . .better than a 50% chance of it recurring. . .”. I cannot read my paperwork without crying. Wouldn’t you think, after all this time, and the fact that I feel ok right now that I could handle this stuff without crying?! But, I felt ok when I had cancer.
Can you believe that you can walk around and have cancer so advanced and still feel ok for the most part? How will I know if it’s back if I never had a clue it was there in the first place? My only clue, the only one I had, was that I had bleeding. I wrongly assumed it was hemorrhoids, which it never was. Now, after all this poking and prodding, according to my last colonoscopy, they did say there was some inflammation of the hemorrhoids so now, even though I have occasional bleeding, how do I which it is? I do not relish the idea of another “poking” and was looking forward to getting to wait another two years but now I fear the new oncologist will say, “Well if you’re having bleeding again. . .”
Cancer sucks!
Damn, yes, cancer sucks. This is very eloquently written. You know your
have tons of people that look forward to your post, and I sure most of them
are going to send hugs, too. For the future, I think you can ask for
copies of medical files, at each appt.
Oh Lisa. I can't imagine how difficult this must have been to share.
THANK YOU. Please know I will keep you in my thoughts. And I mean that.
Depression & cancer = complete suckage. I'm having a hard time
understanding why your doctor's office is charging you for "your"
paperwork, that's just crazy greediness. Anyways, I hope tomorrow is a
better day, if I was close by I'd buy you a coffee & take you out to photo
hunt.
I just want to give you a BIG BEAR HUG! Sending you lots of love! XO
Oh yeah. Cancer sucks. It's more than just an illness, it's the mental
strain that goes with it. I would say it's probably no worse than dealing
with any other serious, life-threatening illness but there is somethng
about that big "C" that puts the fear in all of us.
Powerful post, Lisa. And beautiful. You and I are the same age. I can
relate to a lot of what you say about being bubbly yet very, very down. I
learned that hormones were messing with my mind and took action to deal
with it. This led to a new life. I think our medical world tends to think
of mind and body as separate entities, and that's just plain wrong. And
sometimes lethal. I hope you appointment works out well for you. That is a
big change from the devil you know to who knows what. I suspect your strong
spirit will look after the situation. The beauty you create reflects the
beauty you live. May the doctors see and respect that.
What a remarkable strong and brave woman you are Lisa.
I send you all my love, strength ... and hugs.
I'm sorry I cannot put it into the right words right now, I really should
be off to bed, but I read your post and wanted to comment on it. Just to
say I have great admiration for you!
Blogging is the best therapy. Yeah, those teenage hormones are hell. I
wouldn't relive those years. I was on anti-depressant for a while in high
school. But it was probably expensive, therefore it wasn't long before Dad
put an end to that. I've been dealing with depression all my life (well,
it started around age 12--probably due to hormones). I have to keep busy
and keep moving, otherwise I tend to crash. Oh, and about the cancer, my
co-worker is fighting breast cancer, and had her last radiation treatment
today, so we had a little celebration! And my mom has been a survivor of
colon cancer for 5 years now. And my best friend defeated breast cancer
and went on to have another child and breastfeed it. So there, cancer,
take that!! Lisa's kicking your butt, too!
Lisa ~ Three years ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I had no
symptoms until one morning when I had terrible pain in my lower abdomen. I
went to the ER, thinking I was having an appendicitis attack. Imagine my
“surprise/shock” when they found a 13cm cyst, (a grapefruit) on my ovary.
The nurse in the ER told me it was cancer. I am ok, now. Anyway, it’s a
very long story and I would be more than happy to discuss it with you. You
have my email, feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss anything. ~
Trish
First, I have to say that all of the photos intermixed in this post are
stunning...gorgeous...I can't find the words. As for your illness, I
should think it natural to be fluctuating through so many different
emotions given the situation...the illness itself and dealing with the
medical community. Stay strong...and write whenever the heck you feel like
it!
Yes, it does. Which is why my family, 2 kids included, walked all night
long this past weekend in the ACS Relay for Life. We HAVE to fund this
research because we HAVE to find a cure.
I have a confession. I first read your blog on a FM and you linked your
cancer story in the post. This was a LONG time ago, probably last summer,
I think. I cried.
Oh, Lisa, this is such an amazing, powerful post. You are an incredible
person and I don't think I could ever be half as strong as you with what
you've been through.
I'm so glad that it helps to write about how you are feeling. I have
suffered from depression my whole life, and yet most of the time I'm
"bubbly", upbeat, the one who keeps everyone else together, so I can
understand what you mean about that. But the cancer? I cannot imagine how
hard it must be for you to live with the knowledge every day and find a way
to deal with your fears and yet be balanced about them -- the way you live
your life happily. I hope that big C never comes back, but I'm glad you
switched doctors if the other onc wasn't giving you what you needed. You
have to have confidence in your doctors. Please take care. I hope the
good days far outweigh the bad.
Yes it really does suck. You wrote a really brave and powerful post and I
hope it helped to get everything out and your feeling better now.
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts take care.
Knowing your story and knowing what I was going through with my stomach and
colon problems back in March...I thought of you the whole time and just
knew I had what you had! It's like I had already set myself up to hear the
words cancer! My brother passed away from cancer when I was in the 9th
grade! Then 1 1/2 years ago I was told I had melanoma! The word cancer is
so harsh, so mean!!! I can't stand it! There is not a day that goes by
that I don't think of my cancer! Even though my treatments were NOTHING
like yours! They just cut a 2" whole in my tummy! Stitched me up and no
treatment afterwards! Just follow up visits to look at my skin! I need to
go back! It's been a year and I should be going every 3-6 months! =( I
know I'm bad! I just don't want to get in trouble for my tan. Even though
I know I'm in the wrong and I'm only hurting myself I would also be hurting
my friends and family and Mr. "S" is I was to get skin cancer again!
Lisa, I had no idea this was a part of your life. (Clearly, I don't read
this blog often enough.) You write as well as you take photos.
Lisa, I don't even know where to start. I was married to someone who was
bipolar. I wanted to help him so much but he just wouldn't let me in. And
then he walked away completely. Four years later, I still say a prayer for
him everyday that he is okay.
Thanks for coming over to check on me.. I have a week to go until my
surgery. That's probably a good thing as I've had a nasty cold for the
last couple of days. They'll postpone it if I'm sick, so I need to get
better fast! I can't wait for it to be over and done with!
Damn Lisa...damn. Without having a computer, I haven't been caught up on my
reading and just read all this tonight. I just want to give you a big hug
and share a pitcher of Margaritas with you!
After reading your 'confessions', I had to confess my own; attempted
suicide 3 times. Depression - for 6 months I was 'flat in bed'; it
followed a car accident that nearly killed me. The pain was impossible it
seemed; the seizures - the rehab' miserable. It took me 6 years to
recover, and like you, I had to look at what I could do - my talents. I
had to learn to believe in myself again. I can play the piano; I can draw
- I can sing - I can write poetry; do photography, and cook so well my
husband wants me to open a restaurant.
Oh, I sure do know about the whole depression thing, and will be on
medication for the rest of my life for it. If not, I would not be here
right now. I send you all the hugs and support that I can...you feel free
to contact me anytime. I'm there for ya lady!!! Here's hoping that this
new doctor is just the very BEST. Lots of support here for you, Lisa.
Take care of you!!
My husband walked in the Relay for Life this weekend. I punked out. I was
depressed. Now I feel guilty about having deprression with my fibro
myalgia... but of course I have no control over it.